Today Ithere were no clouds but there was radiation

The radiation diaries, stories of life, love, consciousness, and human connection 

Radiation day 6

As I walked into the radiation appointment I pulled up my mask. The breath going out between the mask and my face, tickled my nose. I had to reach under the mask to scratch. When I did, it looked like I was trying to do who knows what to my nose.
I looked up to watch where I was going and realized I was the entertainment for the people in the waiting room watching puppies play on TV.
I’m settling into the treatments knowing this isn’t entirely about me and I’m not in it alone. This bump on my path has brought me a deeper level of appreciation and gratitude for everyone around me in my life. I couldn’t do it without everyone’s help, especially my wife.
2021 started with a fall , a broken hip, and hip replacement surgery. Then Catching Covid , and Months of physical therapy relearning how to walk again. All compounded by challenges provided by Primary MS. 
MS had been my greatest teacher… until now, but now I’m not so sure. Everyday there’s a new teacher. I’m beginning to understand now it's the quantum field of the universe that's my and everyone's main teacher. I put my best foot forward each day knowing all is well and continue my journey.
And now cancer. It’s just another wrinkle in the field, here to show me that my life is not all about me or what’s happening me.
What are these experiences showing me? 
We always have a choice in how we engage with each experience and moment. We can flex and bend with our experiences, or impose the mind’s will and oppose them as if our experiences are the enemy. But really the experiences just simply are. They are energies that exist in the quantum field. I don’t judge. I roll with it as best I can and accept my version of the field.
I’m going to a level of consciousness and awareness beyond the mind, dropping into the heart, but not only the heart, also to the emotions that inevitably shake loose during a long soul searching journey with bumps and unpredictability. I’m feeling my way, searching for joy in unlikely places. it’s where I’m drawn. I’m practicing being and not doing.
Letting go of things, and discovering new dimensions of being has become part of my path forward in life.
I’m listening to my soul and remembering who I am.
This is year seven of my healing journey that began with the realization that I’m not the person I’ve thought I am. A trauma shook me enough to rattle my carefully crafted identity loose and peeled back enough layers of my personality self that I could see a glimpse of what’s possible and what's true.
For 57 years I lived an identity of who I thought I was. I thought I was the sum of my experiences, learnings and the things I had come to believe in, What I thought to be true. I was was off a little.  OK, a lot. I finally learned that I know nothing and realize I can do nothing alone. it’s changed me. As I’ve changed how the universe and world around me sees me has changed too, and reflects back it’s new image of me. I am blessed with an independent spirit and now understand what it means to ask for and accept help. It’s been a big adjustment, but it’s a strength not a weakness, to trust and rely on others. It’s my intent to shine some light in an otherwise gray area. I’m Looking in the dark corners of discomfort to see what the light can teach me me. It’s just another way to choose to be, to allow each experience to be its best version.
Coming and going to these daily radiation appointments is a routine where I see the same patients each day having the same experience as me. Friday as I was at the final stop to remove my shoes before going into the lead lined room with a door heavy enough to secure Fort Knox, beanie cap sweat pants guy walks into the waiting area and asks how I’m doing? Without thinking I replied, “it’s just another day in paradise.” I was actually thinking about the beautiful weather outside. It was a clear 75 degree winter day in Austin, Texas. Beanie cap sweat pants guy looked at me clearly perplexed and said, “I’m not sure how to reply.”
“ its not about me.”, I said. “I choose not to dwell on my individual circumstances, I’m really inconsequential.”
“I am an atom of air in the breath of everything that is.”
But my comments had slowed down the connection between me and beanie cap sweat pants guy. That wasn’t my intent. He was always friendly and helpful, holding the door for someone with a cane, which was most of the patients, including me.
The machine in the lead lined room was waiting, looming like a car sized ray gun that barely hummed as the laser guided beam did its work.
The radiation therapists left the room and an electric motor closed the massive door automatically on their way out. I lay silently in position to be zapped for five minutes.
I wonder if I glow in the dark now?
As I lie on the table waiting for the familiar humming and quiet thumping sounds emitted by the giant ray gun to start I drifted off .…
An eight foot tall white haired, pony tailed guy dressed like uncle Sam gave me a ride on his motorcycle. I faced backwards on the seat behind him as we roared down a mountain road and time stood still. We stopped on another planet to resolve a conflict using presence and empathy. Conflict resolution isn’t my area of expertise but the white haired giant was teaching me how to apply my presence to solve any problem.
As we left the now peaceful planet, he cranked back the throttle and we went to warp speed and more adventures.
To be in a place that remains open to possibilities gives me a great sense of peace.
Each day as I leave my appointment I look forward to returning because I know I’m still on my path.
When I’m done with the radiation I’ll be ready for what’s next and put the next foot forward smiling because it’s who I am.

‘We are star dust we are golden and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden .’
J. Mitchell.